You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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