i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
