I hate all girls vehemently.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Randomize
