My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
