"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
