so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
