it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
