filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
