i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
