yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she told me i tasted like america
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
