I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
