You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
All the doctor said was why
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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