Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
