last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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