I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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