now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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