If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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