so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
