I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
