I think I died a long time ago.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I want a musical about memes.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
