she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
