Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
