genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
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I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
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Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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