Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I love you. Go after that dick
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
