i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think I won the penis lottery.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
