sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
