That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
