If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
