You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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