I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
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