dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
