Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
