we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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