The maid of honor just puked.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
