I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
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