Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I am naked and annoyed.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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