I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
