I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He felt like a one man threesome
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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