Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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