...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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