Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
