Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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