I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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