My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
