he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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