do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
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We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
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I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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