lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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