So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
