Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
