i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
