I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
