I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
