Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
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could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
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He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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