one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
