I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
