I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
