I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
