I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
