I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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