I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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