I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
