i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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